02 June 2008

the queen mother of contradictions

You know, it could be because I get up for work at unholy-satanic-o’clock and have to drive with stupid people to work and this tends to draw out grumpiness (which luckily is battled back by large quantites of coffee).

It could also be because the stars are not properly aligned.

Perhaps the cause is that I was a truly evil evil person in my last life and I have more bad karma to work off then possible in one lifetime.

But the last time I checked, when a phone number is identified as a ‘Help Line’, it should be helpful, right?

Um. No. Apparently I missed the memo on that one.

My computer at work this morning decided to torture me in a way that made having my fingernails pulled out seem like a better option.

(I will say here and now that I am avid Macintosh user. My computer at home is a Mac, you can not convince me that PCs are better. And this is because a PC I owned promptly up and died and ate all my store records when I had my business – without warning, without an error message. Simply because it wanted to. I went out and bought a Mac and life has been quite pleasant since. Prreeeeeettttty Mac.

For the record, the computer at work is a devil PC.)

I work on really BIG files and sometimes its slow going. And computer crashes are not uncommon. I’ve gotten pretty handy at learning tricks to miraculously bring my PC back to life. Its kind of like having shockers at my desk and screaming “Clear!” while I zap the hell out of it.

No dice today, though. Had to do the last resort – had to call the ‘Help Line.’

Here’s how it went:

1) Sit on hold for 15 minutes. Get disconnected.

2) Call back. Sit on hold for 5 more minutes. Get kicked into endless hell loop of electronic menu choices for which none of them sound like the problem I’m having. (They need a “My computer is dead” choice.)

3) Decide to randomly pick an option knowing it isn’t right just to get to a human.

4) Human is ticked because its not her department that can help me. “Offers” to transfer me. I get disconnected. (I think it was on purpose. Devil human.)

5) Call back a third freakin’ time and again, finding no “My computer is dead” option, I pick a different department. This human is nicer. He transfers me and I actually make it.

6) Explain to new tech person that computer is dead. Have to endure twenty questions about why I think the computer is dead. (Because I randomly decided to call this phone number for entertainment purposes.) No, mouse won’t work. No, can’t type anything. No, the hard drive is not humming. No, no, no.

7) Next question from tech: what do you think is the problem? Me: Excuse me? He repeats previous question. I suddenly get a giggle fit. (If I knew what was wrong, would I have called? See the irony? Isn’t it hysterical? Come on, laugh along with me! HAHAHAHAH!)

8) Make tech nervous when I can’t stop laughing. He then suggests several helpful ‘fixes’ that, you know, might do the trick IF MY COMPUTER WAS WORKING!!!

9) Listen to tech type furiously on the keyboard. Am then told that he can’t help me (I was aghast with shock and awe) and that they will have to transfer the ticket to someone who works on site where I’m at. (Tech support now resides in some far away land, I’m thinking Pluto perhaps.)

10) Live tech person comes to visit me within the hour. Attempts to boot computer. Doesn’t succeed. Looks at me and actually says “Your computer is dead.” Um, yeah, thanks.

11) Before walking away, live tech person smacks the side of the CPU. It pops back awake. We look at each other. We look at the computer.

12) Live tech guy says, “Can I close the ticket?” Sure, I say.

New trick for fixing finiky work computer and avoiding the unhelpful Help Line?

Whacking it upside the head. (Ain't technology grand?)

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