08 July 2008

i need to say it....

Dear Mr. E-mail Spammer,

I’m writing to you today because I feel you and I need to talk. Obviously you feel like we have some kind of connection since you incessantly send emails to my private email account.

While you may think I am special, I do not feel the same. I apologize for being so direct but I believe in being honest and open.

Regardless of your many offers to improve my sex life by increasing the size of certain areas of my body, your attempts are falling on deaf ears. I am indeed female and lack the equipment you are seeking to “enlarge” and “increase performance” of. You may want to consider redirecting those to someone who has the correct anatomy.

I am also touched by your interest in my financial situation. While I find the idea of winning the lottery in Ireland, Europe, Iraq, Spain and Canada all fascinating, I hesitate to email my bank account number, social security number and age/birth/IQ to some obscure email address that appears to be written in an alien language. You may want to consider getting to know me better prior to getting so personal.

My health also seems to be high on your priority list. Does your kindness know no bounds??? Its good to know that should I need various narcotic pain killers/libido enhancers/blood pressure medication, relief is only a click away. I know that I will have to wait while they clear Chinese customs but what the heck? Discount prescription medication and self-diagnosis couldn’t be easier!

I am also not in need of any of the following items: online forensic psychology degrees, solar powered coffee pots, lights that go on and off based on my mood for the day or eco-friendly awnings made from composted diapers.

I’m sure these are all fine products but are not currently on my wish list so I must pass. However, should I change my mind, I will contact you immediately.

I do hope that we’ve cleared the air about things, you are obviously a very busy person since I’ve been receiving 20-45 emails from you every single day. I admire your ability to assume so many tasks but have no desire to interact with you any more.

As hard as it is, I’m dumping you. And just remember, every new beginning starts with an ending. You’ll find another special someone to spew emails at all day long, I’m confident.

Good luck.



Kim Hambric said...

There must be a way to put an end to all of this sh@t.

By the way, I want to buy all of your artwork. Send it to me in South Africa and I will eventually send you cashier's check.

Do you get those emails, too?

Sarah E. said...

I absolutely LOVE it!!! Hilariously to the point...thank you!