24 September 2010

an open letter to spiders

Dear Mr. Arachnid,

I understand that you and I have our issues. Its understandable. I find you creepy in every way humanly possible and you have objections to me repeatedly smashing you with heavy objects. I think we are both justified in our dislikes.

However, I take issue with the incident of one of your own today. It was uncalled for, underhanded, and quite frankly, an open invitation to me to wage all out war on every single one of your kind. Lucky for you, you make me scream like a little girl so the odds of me seeking you out (even for the purpose of destroying you) is highly unlikely.

I was in a zen mood today. It was a lovely, although rather windy, early autumn day. I was heading out to the American Sewing Expo for a day amongst my people. I struck out into the day armed with a travel mug full of some pumpkin flavored coffee. I happily sipped at the mug as I drove, humming along to the radio.

And that's when it struck.

Coffee is supposed to be smooth. There should be no lumps of any kind. Much less lumps that have the ability to squirm in your mouth as they attempt to crawl across your tongue.

I don't appreciate it when spiders take a swim in my coffee. I appreciate it even less when I drink them. I appreciate it even less when they remain alive and try to escape.

I did what any rationale human being would do. I spit coffee across my dashboard and all down the front of my shirt. After I pulled over, I found the offender and chucked him ruthlessly out the window. (Luckily I dress in a dark color palette so staining was not a concern. I considered forging ahead but I smelled like a pumpkin pastry and could only imagine the looks I would incur as I walked through the aisles.)

I must admit that his presence certainly helped in the awakening department (the coffee was a little weak) but I still did not find the experience pleasant.

So I am lodging a formal public complaint against all spiders. Please let your kind know that I will show no mercy, am considering buying a small hammer to assist me in the smashing of you when you come near me and I do not feel the least bit guilty about it all.

You have been warned. That is all.

Sincerely,

Lynn

10 comments:

Vicki W said...

Ick! A totally sane response too.

Michigoose said...

Oh I love this! I'm sorry you spewed coffee all over your car and clothing, but I love your sense of humor. I'm not in the screaming and running sort, but I'm not afraid of snakes, rats, mice....spiders? I'm not too thrilled with. I have an uneasy truce with them...I have even been known to escourt them out of the house....but I will always be remembered at my former job (museum curator) for calling out to the spiders as I went into dank basements and attics of 18th century houses, telling the spiders I was coming and if they would go away, I'd greatly appreciate it.

wlstarn said...

You never do anything boringly, do you? LOL

Jeannie said...

I am sorry that I am laughing at your mishap this morning, but the visual is so darn funny! I hope that you had a wonderful time with your peeps. My nemisis is ants -oh yuk!

Carol said...

ROFL!! What a delightful telling of an awful experience. I can't stop laughing because I can see myself doing the same things. Not a fan of spiders or snakes. Thank you for the delightful, oh, so true, retelling of your terrible experience. The visual will stay with me I'm sure!

bj parady said...

Spiders are ok by me since they eat the other bugs. But I would draw the line at one swimming in my drink. Yikes. Glad it didn't cause an accident--imagine filling out that insurance claim.

debkolar said...

Oh my! I am forwarding this to Steph, my daughter, who will be totally icked out....yup I'm a mean mommy.

Robbie said...

Oh, yuk! what a way to start out a day! Yuk again!

Lisa said...

OH MY! That was the funniest yet creepiest thing I've read here! I was laughing and creeping out at the same time if that is at all humanly possible. Mr Spider and I have an agreement, I leave him alone and he stays out of my bed. I may have to talk to him about my coffee. How did he survive boiling hot coffee?

Kim Hambric said...

Eeeeewwwwww! What else can be said?