07 October 2010

the recipe

Do you have someone in your life that is relatively happy? Have you ever wondered how you could go about instilling a good strong phobia in him/her? After all, normalcy is pretty boring - let's jazz things up!

I've got a sure fire way to go about it. In the next two minutes I'll explain to you a guaranteed recipe for making sure that the human of your choice joins the ranks of millions who daily enjoy the splendor of Insectophobia - the glamorous irrational fear of anything that can fly, has multiple appendages and crawls at an unreasonable speed (usually across your skin).

So let's get to it!


  • 1 human (usually one below the four foot mark works best)
  • an influential visual (a movie scene such as this one from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is a prime example)
  • a sibling or friend who finds bugs humorous/fun/an excellent torture device
  • a location where the human lives/works/frequents that is a natural habitat for a variety of bugs that would prefer to live somewhere else and thus flock to humans whenever possible
  • nightly reports on the news concerning bug epidemics and the extreme measures it takes to remove them from the household (bonus points if they can cause bites, rashes and general terror)
  • larger humans to mock the smaller one about squealing and fleeing upon the sighting of a bug


  • Expose small human to movie/magazine/traumatic event more then once. You must do this with regular frequency. Also consider applying bugs to small human's arm and feet so that the feel of multiple bug feet against their skin is clear.
  • Suggestions for bug trauma exercises: moths (they make audible bumping sounds against walls so this adds to the terror), centipedes (the speed at which they attack is extraordinary which will cause the bug phobic human to panic because regular fleeing methods do not apply), and spiders (bonus points if you add them to something that will be drank or eaten).
  • Leave bug phobic human to fend for themselves when encountering new creepy species. Show no concern. Instead, laugh and point and tell them to "pull up their big girl panties." This statement is even more effective when speaking to a male.
  • Make sure you recount tales of embarrassing encounters to anyone who will listen. While bugs do not react to humiliation, the phobic person will and this will lead to funny noises escaping from them during a distressing encounter as they work like hell to compose themselves.

Successful installment of bug phobia depends largely on how susceptible the human is. Don't be distressed if your first attempts does not take. Instead, view it as a challenge. Pretend that you are an older brother with a little sister and the glee that is felt at the right of being allowed to torture said sister. Its important to be persistent. And experiment with your methods! Variety is the spice of life!

I hope you are inspired to give it a shot. And don't forget, just because some people flee in terror at the site of this, doesn't mean you can't have fun with it.


This helpful tutorial was written by Lynn Krawczyk, a lifelong bug phobic who is forced to encounter these little $#@&^% on a daily basis. A recent attack of box elder bugs gushing through an open window in her studio has cracked her, she now sits in the corner of her bedroom drooling, rocking and recounting easier times when her mommy would crush bugs for her without being asked.


Yarnhog said...

I watched "Arachnophobia" the night before leaving for a three-week long backpacking trip. That works, too.

Leann said...

Now, you can't put all bugs in the same category. Box Elder bugs have very short lives and never hurt anyone. OK, so you make their lives a little shorter.

Jean Baardsen said...

There are infestations of Stink Bugs in many hotels in Virginia and some other states. Our first hotel had two walking on the ceiling of our room. At first I thought they were cockroaches. I called the front desk. The young lady who came to our room explained about stink bugs. Never squash one! You'll find out why they're called "stink" bugs. At this hotel, they suck up the bugs with vacuum cleaners hoses. We were moved to a nicer, larger room, and our room cost was discounted significantly. I considered trying to capture a couple stink bugs and take them along to our next hotel room....