15 September 2009

if you have a pet, you'll understand...

Von emailed me this today and I about spit my coffee all over my keyboard I was giggling so hard. (I so wish I had written this but I can't take credit for it, not sure who did but whoever they are, they are spot on!) If only Dooley love could read, I would post this on the fridge...

An open letter to pets...


Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

7 comments:

Eva said...

Still laughing tears.

Kim Hambric said...

Thanks for sharing that one!

I especially like the comments for those who visit and don't like pets -- yes it IS "fur"niture. No one should wear black or white pants into my home.

However, for the most part kids (at least only children) are better than pets in some respects. My daughter does not bark at the front door for 20 minutes at a time. Nor does my daughter eat the poop of others and then proceed to have the "squirts" on every rug in the house.

wlstarn said...

...and you never hear "eeew, that dinner looks gross! I'm not eating THAT! Unlike the children in their younger years, the cats are perfectly happy eating the same thing for every meal.

And they never draw faces on their knees with semi-permanent marker when it's too hot out to wear pants.

But they never get to make you proud when they make the Dean's List, either...

Terri Stegmiller said...

so many things I can relate to here!

Yarnhog said...

Freakin' hysterical!

We are "down" to four dogs at the moment. We've decided to post a sign on the front door that reads, "Must Love Dogs."

Judy said...

Hilarious!!!!

Sujati said...

Laughing so much-although I have to say at least my children don't poop in my shoes if the litter tray has been used .... I failed training my cats not to do that,so am teaching myself to check instead...