you owe me a nap

Dear Weatherperson,

While I don't envy you your job (it is a difficult one at best), I am writing to you on behalf of all working folk who get up at ungodly hours every day.

I watched your lovely program several times last night. I even went and stared at the cable channel, aptly named The Weather Channel, dedicated solely to your art just to confirm that your predictions were correct. They assured me they were.

According to all your calculations and study and intepretations of the little white swirly things on the monitors (which in all honesty don't look all that threatening to me), Michigan is destined to become the frozen tundra over the course of today and tomorrow. In fact, the storm that is nudging its way toward us is supposed to be an encore of the mess we got just before Christmas. I remember that storm, it was most unpleasant.

So I believed you. I watched you wave your arms around and listened to your voice rise three octaves to that of a pre-pubescent teenager as you described the range of snowfall we would be getting. (Oh, and don't think I didn't notice the gleam of excitement in your eye, I know this is thrilling for you.) You even gave it the fancy title of Winter Storm Warning just so we would all know how serious you are about this thing that is coming to make our lives miserable. I admit that it is effective, it does make me pay more attention to your ramblings.

I kept my curse comments to myself . This is Michigan in January after all, these things are to be expected.

However, I feel I must take issue with something.

My commute for work has me getting up at 5:20am each morning so that I can get to work by 7am. My commute home has me leaving work at 3:30pm and arriving sometime before the sun decides to set. (The ride home is arguably more difficult, no matter what the weather.) As a result of your predictions, I did the following:

1) Resigned myself to the fact that 5:20am would simply not be an early enough wake-up call this morning in order to avoid the snowstorm of doom you said was coming our way this afternoon.

2) I went to bed at 9pm last night. (Which in all honesty was not a burden because this is the first week back to work after the holiday break and I feel sort of like my brain has been sucked out my head.)

3) Before going to bed, I set my alarm for 4:45am and laid out clothes in the bathroom and set up my toothbrush. I prepared for the cruelty that I was about to inflict upon myself. (And just for the record...there are many people where I work that do this on a daily basis. But they are men. Enough said.)

4) I got up the first time the alarm went off (this alone deserves recognition), groomed myself (my co-workers seem to really appreciate this), threw some cheerios in the Dooley dog's bowl (his eyes were only half open, he will most likely decide to have his breakfast at a more reasonable hour) and stumbled out the door. (I did not mumble any obscenities, there was not enough energy for that.)

5) I did, however, grumble about having to drive my mother's smaller car today. My car decided to exercise its ability to push me toward madness last night and is now having a time out at the repair shop. My mother's lovely fuel efficient small car should make the drive in snow more entertaining (translation: the little bastard slides all over the place).

6) I engaged in the following make-sure-I-stay-awake activities: Did not turn on the heat in the car in order to avoid any kind of relaxation that might result in returning to sleep. Did drink a large glass of water before leaving the house so the aggravation of having to pee would annoy me enough to stay alert. Purposefully chose a radio station with DJs that aggravate the snot out of me so that my attention would remain in the land of the conscious.

7) I noticed about halfway to work that it was already starting to snow. (This was only 5:35am, not the 4pm that you predicted. I began to wonder if perhaps you meant to say 4am. But don't worry, a twelve hour time oopsy is not a big deal.)

8) I swore loudly when the DJ announced that the storm was predicted to now hit us beginning at noon. Which now renders all of my efforts entirely futile since my place of employment does not allow us to begin our work day at 12:30am.

9) Swore loudly again when I got to work and realized I left my breakfast sitting on the kitchen counter.

So now I sit here, groggy and with a headache from hell building, watching the snow fall outside my office window. While it is a somewhat pleasant sight, it does mean that no matter what time I leave today, I will not avoid having to drive 35mph the whole way home.

I understand that you are not psychic (although I think the job application should add this as a preferred special skill). I understand that you have no control over Mother Nature and her violent mood swings.

But I would ask you to please please please restrain yourself when it comes to making these predictions in the future. Your enthusiasm leads us all to believe that we will be buried alive for the next three weeks and that the best course of action is to buy a hundred cans of soup and never leave the house. You may be a tad overzealous at times. And while I appreciate the fact that you are so concerned for our safety, it does seem to me that nine times out of ten you get excited over an incorrect analysis.

Tell me when its going to snow.

Tell me how much we are going to get.

Tell me how cold it will be.

But keep the hysterics to a minimum.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get some straws from the cafeteria to prop my eyelids up.


Sincerely,

Lynn