I've been spending snippets of time in the studio where I can find it. My focus has been on continuing the Remnant collages. Laying out the foundations requires that I be in my studio, the other layers can be created while I watch tv or visit friends or when I want to indulge a whim.
I keep wandering in and looking at them. Not out of vanity, not because I think they are the end all be all but because that nagging feeling has begun again.
That restlessness.
That wondering, ragged questioning, quiet nervousness. The feeling that pulls everything in at the edges and makes it hard to see what is right in front of me.
I've realized over the past few years that there is a constant degree of tension in art making for me. (Do you find that too?) A kind of uncertainty that is neither unpleasant or welcome. It just is.
I don't mind it. It doesn't get in my way. Like many of the idiosyncrasies that follow me into the studio, its one that has been with me for as along as I can remember and has made itself known that its not going anywhere any time soon.
We may as well be friends.
Its the feeling that makes me want to gorge on making things until I can't stand up straight anymore, to forget the clock and spend the night at my print table in my studio rather then my bed.
I find myself sitting quietly among the mess of fabric and canvases more. I'm feeling that connection to my art returning and its a kind of relief that I can't describe. It feels like I've been forgiven, like I'm back where I need to be.
Me and my restlessness.
5 comments:
Great thoughts Lynn. Yes, I have that same tension. It goes on all the time. Sigh.
I describe the tension as the awareness of time. So much i want to do, so little time. Its almost a guilt... 'if only i worked a tiny bit harder- id get SO much done'.
Ive learnt to a) get in there and work or b) give myself perscribed lazy time where im permitted to switch off for a while.
I used to do all my work at night but since being told l have a condition called delayed sleep something or other(!)..they are tryoing to re-programme my sleep clock! I have to try and stay away during the day..which l find really hard...and NOT watch tv,use my laptop or do my creating after 10.30!!!Nightmare. I have had to learn how to redirect my energy to the day instead of the night time!! By doing this l find l am constanting questioning my Art and feel guilty that l am creating rather than ironing or cooking etc! I am having to learn to give my self permission to paint, sew or what ever! Oh..sorry l have gone on a bit but l think this is the first time l have vented. Was going to delete it but thought if you hated it..you could delete it! haxlynda
Lynn, I think you are actually on the right track. I think the scary part is when you feel indifference or nothing when you sit down in the studio. That's when you should worry!!
Debi
Goddess of Flame
Yes, I have that feeling. I think Lianne is right, for me it's about time ticking away. I'm older than alot of you and there is still so much I want to create. So time is always there, tick, tick, tick.
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