22 September 2012
an ending to begin again
Every year around this time I fall into what I call one of my quiet spells. Having passed the halfway mark of the year, I find myself needing solitude. A period when I can fold myself inward and simply allow myself to exist. I shed all but the most critical committments and spend time with myself.
The truth is, I can't make art if I don't feel connected to my thoughts. Its that basic for me. If I forget to take stock, to remember what imperfections and trials happened to make me who I am, I feel lost.
Falling into these spells always feels sudden somehow. But I know its not. The awareness of what is happening is slow to come but when I find myself standing in that blank space, I can see when I began to back down, began to give away obligation and have-to's.
I think as artists we feel like we must constantly produce produce produce. There sometimes feels like someone standing beside us keeping stock of our accomplishments, pointing out the new things to try and the only way to be everywhere at once is to run at full tilt all of the time.
But its okay to be quiet too. Its okay to sit with yourself, not make art, not reach beyond yourself and learn to listen what your mind really has to say.
I'm never sure what makes me want to step back into the race, to fill up the space again. Sometimes its an urgent deadline and other times its just a small passing of a thought. I suddenly remember the power of being Artist, that connection with my spirit that is heavy and mysterious and intoxicating.
The spell is passing, nearly gone. I let it go like saying goodbye to an old friend, I know it will be back again. And I know it shows up when I need it most, when I seem to have forgotten how to slow down and feel my art. I can see it again, I can reach for the paint and fabric without hesitation.
Its good to step way from the empty and back into the full.