12 February 2008

For the Love of God already, have mercy…

We are getting another snow storm right now. I can honestly say that I can't remember when a winter has gotten on my nerves so badly. It normally takes me 25 minutes to get to work but it took me a little over an hour to drive home today.

So in honor of the wretched white crap that shows absolutely no signs of letting up, I bring you my Top Ten Reasons Why Living in Michigan during the Winter will Make you Crazy:

1. Living in Michigan during the winter is much like living in a snow globe. The first few snow falls make you feel like you are living in a Norman Rockwell painting but then some brat comes along and turns you upside down and it won’t quit snowing until June.

2. We have the most unique viruses in the country here. The constant fluctuation of temperatures – freezing one day and warm the next – has mutated every known cold and flu known to man. Even the CDC cringes when they learn a sick person is from Michigan.

3. If you have a small pet, snow drifts are like the frozen tundra. Don’t take your eyes off them when they are walking around out there, they can disappear in the blink of an eye.

4. If you live with someone going through menopause, learn to dress in layers since hot flashes will have windows opened throughout the house “just a little bit.”

5. The short walk from the parking lot at work to the building is a sufficient amount of time for all the boogers in your nose to completely freeze.

6. You have three options for clearing snow: a) shovel it (sorry Leann), b) snow blow it or c) wait for spring.

7. Driving anywhere takes three times as long. Your automobile becomes one of those bad American Idol auditions as you sing loudly and badly to all the songs on the radio just to amuse yourself.

8. If your mailbox is at the end of the driveway, the guy who drives the neighborhood snow plow will giggle madly as he piles the snow four feet high and three feet deep in front of it. Retrieving the daily mail now requires an ice pick and a prayer.

9. You will become excited for any temperature in the double digits. We aren’t a picky population, we’ll take what we can get. Bring on the 10 degrees baby!!!

10. We have a special set of curse words generated by the bleeping *^#&@^ driving the bleeping SUV behind you that feels tailgating during a snow storm is not only appropriate but a requirement. You could flip them the bird but you need both hands for the steering wheel.

If you are also in a state being pelted by all this poopy weather, may the force be with you. All this should be done in another two months. Oh joy.


FunkyC said...

Thanks for the commiseration. I was over this weather several weeks ago and am starting to dream in grass green. Can you imagine how warm 4o will feel?

Leann said...

a) Don't knock people going through menopause, it will happen to you.
b) You forgot to mention what the constant changes in temperature does to our roads. Potholes like you see in no other state!

Fibra Artysta said...


I'm not knocking people going through menopause. My point is that if you're that hot, go outside and cool off, don't turn the whole house into a freezer.

Oh yeah, the potholes. Potholes so big that a Hummer could disappear in them...lovely.

Cara said...

Thanks for the perspective. I never even thought of frozen boogers. Next time I wonder why so many people want to live here in spite of the phenomenal cost of living and crowds, I'll remember it's the Califonia weather. It's not why I came here, but it's why I'm not leaving.