Its not that I don't love you but...

I have a co-worker (who shall remain anonymous but knows who you are) who systematically harasses me every Christmas for handmade gifts. We shall call her Ethel. (This is not a slur so if your name is Ethel, don't send me hate mail. I just have no friends named Ethel so it works out well.)

I think this year I'm done being nice to dear Ethel.

While I would love to tinker away in my studio for hours on end creating loving gifts for all of my family and friends, this is about as likely to happen as Brittney Spears is to stop acting like a whacked out ho.

Sorry to be so blunt but that's the way it is. (I just endured a twenty minute conversation with Ethel about how handmade gifts are better then store bought. I totally agree with her on this but I still want to smack her.)

So for all of you out there who would like a handmade gift from me this year, I bring you the top ten reasons why you won't get one:

1) Last time I checked there were still only 24 hours in a day. If you can figure out how to increase that number to 1,458 hours, then I'll do it.

2) I make weird stuff. I won't tailor it to your likes/dislikes so (if you are like Ethel) and expect me to create just the cutest little country item for you, think again. Although I've never attempted to make skulls in a country theme so that could be amusing.

3) I already own a whole can of crazy. I don't need to add to it by creating Christmas gifts for everyone.

4) I believe in supporting the arts. All of my friends are getting handmade gifts, just not made by me. Doesn't that count for something??

5) Let's be honest, if I make you a moody creepy wall hanging, will you really hang it up on your wall or will it end up as a dog dish placemat? (Everyone can answer except for Leann, I already know her response.) Gifts that end up in drawers will not be repeated.

6) Although it seems like it at times, I do not dabble in every type of art out there. I do not paint, make pottery or draw. I have some friends who would like that. It wouldn't be very nice of me to exclude them, now would it?

7) I did make a friend a gift one year. It was a collage, it was pretty cool, she gushed over it, she raved to everyone. I felt good about it. I visited her about a month later and she had it next to her phone - - she used to jot down messages. I'm still not over it...

8) Did I mention the "there are only 24 hours in a day" thing? I think its a pretty strong point that bears repeating...

9) If you are nagging me to make something for you because you say "I don't have any talent" or "I can't do that", you are fibbing. Everyone has talent, everyone can do something if you really want to. Don't lie, it won't work. I'll just start to look at you sideways.

10) If you've spent the whole time you know me looking at my artwork saying "That could be cute if you did this...", why would you want anything from me??? (Sorry, this one is directed solely at Ethel. She's a grand critic that is desperately trying to help me create cute things. Apparently everything I make can be made cute if I would only follow her directions. She was pretty appalled that I would carve a fat naked woman into a lino block and then make prints. But if I "gave her a dress she would be cute". I swear to god she said that. I congratulate her for stunning me into silence, it takes a lot.)

I love all my family, I love all my friends. But let's face it, there are a gazillion things that go into getting ready for the holidays and in order for me to create artwork as presents, I'd have to start in February. Even then, its unlikely I would finish on time.

So I am giving out gifts this year, they are appropriate to the person they are intended for, they are handmade (just not by me), they are pretty.

And if you are Ethel, please accept the fact that I will NOT make you a cute country wallhanging to put in your kitchen next to your copper rooster. Its not going to happen. There are plenty of very nice talented artists out there who make wonderful work that would fit your tastes. I am beyond saving (translation: I won't make cute) so leave me be or I will give you skulls for Christmas.

P.S. I just want to clarify that I have nothing against cute art or the people that make them. I admire cute, I like it, I often gush over it when I come across it. I just can't make it.