12 April 2011
I've been having an odd feeling the past week or two. Something that I decided to hoard but then remembered my promise at the beginning of the year to be more open about the art side of my life. So I'm bringing it to the blog...
Two thoughts have been running through my head nearly every day, pretty much simultaneously:
1) I am grateful for the full artistic life that I have
2) I could be doing more.
The first one is easy to figure out. Even amongst the deadlines and worry about time (which try as I might I cannot convince to multiply), I occasionally raise my head and the knowledge of how lucky I am to have art and all the gifts it has given me in my life is overwhelming - in a totally good way. Its something I'm happy to carry with me through my day, to remind me that my art career is still moving along.
And then the second thought pops in and I'm not really sure where it comes from.
I'm doing plenty - how could I possibly add more? I feel like I'm right on the edge of something that I can't give a name to because I can't see it clearly enough.
I've not had a lot of art time. I mean, I've been making things but they've not been "just because." I think that's the source of the nagging question. Although to be honest, it feels too simplistic of an answer. There's something else rattling around in my brain that doesn't want to speak up just yet.
Being patient with this thought and feeling is like trying to herd cats. It makes me anxious and it makes me question things. Which, in all honesty, I'm totally good with. The day I stop looking to improve or stretch is the day I'll be done with art because for me that's what keeps me interested in the whole business.
I've had these arguments with myself before. They are tiring and exciting all at the same time. But its there and I'm hoping I can corner it soon.
Until then I'll let it stew and enjoy the new season, tinkering with new projects and daydreaming about what's to come.