22 June 2011
leaving the umbrella behind...
I did a stupid thing.
I was acting like I was solely in charge of my art making. I tried to push my creative self to the side, let my brain take over and rule the roost.
I'm not sure at what point I made this error. This realization has come after a long pause (which is why the blog has been kind of sleepy lately). I've been taking the time to step back and examine the relationship I have with my creative self. I think I have a pretty good one but she's been unhappy and I needed to figure out why.
I couldn't figure out what the problem was, really. All I knew was that I had to stop. Stop chasing things for a moment and examine where the holes were, how did they get there, why are they here, do I mind having them punctuating the things I thought were solid...
Reflection is an odd beast. Its humbling and empowering all at the same time. One thing I have managed to pull forward is that I'm not making enough art. Art that's just for the sake of art.
I need to give it the due respect it deserves, offer it a more prominent place in my schedule.
I feel as if I've lost a little bit of the spiritual connection with my creative self. I've not been giving her a fair shake lately. And this understanding makes me feel cruel somehow.
Because its my responsibility to make sure that part of myself is protected, given the freedom to roam as much as it is able. I don't want to put my art making on a schedule, that seems like that would defeat the purpose. But I do have to manage it somehow, make it fit into the limited free time I have so that it can continue to grow.
Today when I was driving home from work there were thunderstorms rolling across the state. I love them, they are so full of passion and change and everything feels new when its done. That's kind of what making art is like, isn't it? You start out with a simple thought and slowly roll your way into the storm and if you're lucky, it pours.
I've finally realized that the real trick is learning how to stand in the storm without an umbrella and really let yourself go.